Rollercoaster "Fudge": a letter to my grandfather

                                
 Dear Grandpa,

I have always hated rollercoasters. Had, actually. I had always hated rollercoasters. I didn’t like the idea of going up really high in the air and dropping down in a little seat because to me, that was a recipe for disaster. I have, however, always liked fudge. I could seriously eat a whole brick of it and probably still have room for more.

Now, Grampa, you might be wondering how all of these things tie together, and most specifically tie to you. And the answer is this: the last time I can remember really having great fudge was on my way home from King’s Dominion, which is an amusement park, shortly after I’d ridden my first rollercoaster. First eight actually.

I rode those thrill rides, because of you.

When you died a few months ago I was dreading the funeral. You were one of the most important people in my life and I hated the idea of going home and being around all those people. Family members, friends, whoever, all touching me and talking to me and not being able to have a moment of peace to truly honor you.

It was my boyfriend, Davis, you remember him, right? You met him and gave him your highest compliment: “he’s a nice boy.” It was him who actually suggested going to King’s Dominion after me telling him that you were a fearless man. He suggested that we go to an amusement park and I concur my biggest fear in your honor.

And so, off we went one Monday morning, me already terrified, palms sweating, mouth dry and completely regretting this decision, Davis looking through the front windshield with total excitement, bouncing in his seat as we drove along to 16000 Theme Park Way in Doswell, Virginia.

As we neared the park I could see huge metal spirals growing in the distance, and once we were in the parking lot I could already hear the muffled screams of people as they sped down the hundred foot drops. I felt totally nauseous, but in the back of my mind, I thought about all the amazingly fearless things I had known you to do in the time I got to spend with you, and that made me feel suddenly much more determined.

You and me on line for a ride at Disney World!

Like, remember the time that in your late 80’s you flew all the way to London to spend some time with me when I was studying abroad? Or when I was a little girl and we went to Disney World and you let all the princesses wearing red lipstick kiss your head because you were bald and it left marks just to make me laugh? Or when you came down to Virginia multiple times just to see me, even though you hated being away from your doctors? Well, even if you don’t remember those times, I do. And you constantly doing the things that made you nervous always gave me the courage to jump off of life’s many cliffs.

you with Ace in our flat in London

You with me, corey, ace and mel at our flat in London

My resolve was a bit shaken, however, when I got in line for the roller coaster that I would be riding in your memory. It was called The Intimidator and it boasted a 300-foot drop at an 85-degree angle. The only thing I remember about the moments on line was crying and telling Davis that this was a bad idea because “I should be studying Talmud to remember my grandfather instead.”

Us in your kitchen...where you never cooked :) 

Once sitting on the ride, a young, Russian woman walked past checking each of our harness-holding-us-in-so-we-don’t-fall-to-our-deaths-things. I asked her if this ride was scary. She stared at my tear-stained face and replied, coolly, her voice thick with accent, “yeeew shood naht ride dees ride.” She tried to take off my harness, but her words were the only encouragement I needed. I moved her hands and said, “No. I’m riding.”

The ride started and we went shooting up 305 feet, followed by a drop so intense I felt like I was falling upside down straight to the ground. I was thrown from left to right, spinning completely out of control. But the whole time, I felt you near me. I heard your voice saying, “hello, Kiddo!” And felt your hand slapping my knee, which was your silent way of showing affection. A display I’ve realized I’ve developed, squeezing my friends a bit too tightly, punching them excitedly on the arms; all as a means of showing my love for them, just as you did, me. Every twist and turn of the ride allowed me to remember moments that I had experienced with you, and I felt like I could hear your voice clearly enough to say “goodbye.” A feeling so blissful, I had no time to really feel fear of falling.

When I finally came back down to earth, I was sweaty, nervous and…starving, actually. Davis and I wandered back towards the car in search of some sustenance and a place to rest my shaking legs. The only place that caught my eye was a candy store right by the exit…and the benches. And once inside Davis and I were immediately drawn to a huge block of peanut butter fudge wrapped in brightly colored cellophane.

We promised each other we would only eat little pieces, but we ended up going through the whole block on the ride to the train station, where I boarded a train to head home to Brooklyn, for your funeral.

I don’t know if you could hear me on the day you were buried, but I spoke at your funeral and told everyone about my rollercoaster experience and that if they wanted to truly honor you, it wasn’t with tears, but it was by living fearlessly, how you would.

So from that day, until now, and until the end, I will always work to make every moment a new chance to try something new and exciting. And I will always equate the taste of fudge with the sweet feeling that came from being able to truly feel close to you when I never got a real chance to say goodbye.

I don’t know if I believe in heaven, but if you are there, and if they have an all-night CVS, I’m sure you could find the ingredients to make this faux-fudge candy, that brought a smile to my face and my mind right to you.

Rollercoaster “Fudge”

Ingredients:

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

1 14-oz can of sweetened condensed milk, divided

2 tsp vanilla extract

¾ cup (6 oz) white chocolate chips

3 tsp peppermint extract

3 drops green food coloring

1/2 cup crushed peppermint candies (You can do this by placing the mints into a ziploc bag and smacking it with a rolling pin)

Directions:

1.     Prepare an 8X8 square pan with wax paper

2.     Melt the semisweet chocolate chips with 1 cup of milk in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Once melted, remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla.   

3.     Pour half of the chocolate mixture into the pan and spread evenly into one layer.

4.     Place the pan into the refrigerator to chill for 10 minutes.

5.     While the bottom layer is chilling, use a smaller saucepan to melt the white chocolate chips. Stir in the peppermint extract and food coloring.

6.     Pour the peppermint layer into the 8-inch pan over the chilled bottom layer and spread evenly.

7.     Put the pan back into the fridge to chill for 10 mote minutes.

8.     Remove the pan from the fridge and pour the second half of the chocolate layer over the peppermint layer and spread evenly. (You may need to reheat the chocolate layer) Sprinkle the top layer with the crushed candies, they'll look all pretty and sparkly!

9.     Place the pan into the fridge and allow to chill for 2 hours.

10.  Remove from the fridge and invert the fudge onto a cutting board.

11.  Remove the wax paper and trim the edges to form clean lines.

12.  Cut into even squares.

                                    

And that’s how you make rollercoaster “fudge.”

I thought it was pretty stellar. And my friends dove in and devoured it, leading me to believe they might have liked it, too.

I miss you, grandpa. Enjoy a few pieces and think of me.

Til next time,

D